Nov 28 - When Adoption is Plan-A
Category: Submission by FoJ Counsellor
Adoption being Plan A sounds like a rarity. But it need not be so, because, putting a Plan A for Adoption does not mean that it need to be the firts choice for building a family. Though it is even that for some parents. Adoption being Plan A simply means that the parent gives adoptiona full 100% of time, effort, reosurces and commitment - at whatever point or phase in life adoption is explored as an option.
When a parent aporaches adoption as a Plan A, it does not matter what other options have been explored before or would be explored subsequnt to adoption. It is irrelevant whether the couple has biological children already, or several faied IVFs or hope to conceive a child naturally, even after adoption. A Plan A for adoption requires the parent to oly ensure that aodption is indeed a happy experience for the family. Here is what happens, when adoption is Plan A for a parent:
The core essence remains that parents look at adoption just as another method of getitng the child into the fmaily. Once the child is part of family, it is irrelevant how the child came to be in the family.
- The parent does not consider adoption in any way inferior or superior to building a family through natural childbirth. Neither the parent is defensive about adoption, nor gloats about it
- The parents do not feel adoption is a compromise. They do not need a reason to bond with the child. They see no difference between a child born in the family or one who is adopted
- The parent focusses less pn own need, and greater on the child's need. The need for the parent and child co-exist, but they do not highlight their own need to the disadvantage of the child's need.
- The parent embraces a child centric approach. Parents approaching adoption a Plan A typically do not "choose a child", they do not seek a child of a given bakground, profile, color, race or religion. They are even flexible about the age of the child - should the situation so arise.
- While it is necessary to be aware od the child's medical needs and health status, the medical examination of the child is not a "Quality Control" process for a parent with Plan A. Rather, medical examination is intended to understand the need of the child, and how the parent can support the same.
- Parents do not carry residual feelings towards adoption and the difficult phase for failed IVFs or the impact of infertility is perceieved only as a trigger for adoption - not the reason for the same. Parents learn to evolve a problem solving approach and look at adoption as a solution, not a problem arising out of infertility.
- Parents do not judge the child for what it can or cannot do. Rather they seek to leverage the child's potential in what it can do and empower the child in what it may not be able to do - but carries the potential. they do not burden the child with their expectations of being at a given level in academics, conduct, behaviour, demenaou etc. They impart right values to the child, and let the child be for what it is - rather than making a child something like their own.
Parents do not have an expectation for adoption to be over in a few weeks’ time – they cooperate with the process, wait for their turn and do not get tempted to adopt outside the legal purview to save time or get choices beyond what is possible as per law.
Parents often adopt the first child they see. they do not desire to see multiple children befor deciding on adoption.
Parents engage the extended family, colleagues and friends. They do not hide the fact of adoption from their acquaintances.
Parents are conscious of the age gap between them and child and adopt an age apporpriate child.
Parents are comfortabe discussing adoption with their children, tell their cildren about adoption and also refer to their birth parents with respect.
- Parents do not ever think of dissolution as an option. Adoption for them is a life long commitment. They help the child through its challenges and provide al necessary intervention, support or guidance required for the child to overcome the same.
- Parents tend to forget that the child was even ever adopted by them, and focus resumes on parenting rather than adoption.
Parents who make an effort to understand what adoption actually is, reach out for resources and groups dealing with adoption and submit themselves to the process, giving their 100% are able to come out of the shadows of whatever might have triggered adoption and make attempts at effecting adoption with a child centric approach.
Parents need to realize that there is always some trigger for choices we make or have to make in life. Adoption is one of them. Fighting against it, or embarking upon adoption when not prepared for it shall create conflicts and deliver a less happy experience. Adoption requires to complement the need of the parent with an equal appreciation of the need of the child and deriving synergy out of the divine relationship that ensues.
Adoption is just another opportunity to discover our hidden strengths and bond with another human being – much more vulnerable, dependent and forthcoming than us. It is a spiritual experience waiting to be explored.
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